Somedays are wonderful and some just completely SUCK!

The last couple of days have been hard. They are the days that I would rather stay in bed and binge watch Friends and eat chocolate.
Man, I miss the days I could curl up in a blanket with a cup of hot cocoa and a book and sit and relax and not be interrupted.
Today I sit down with my hot cocoa and all of the sudden all three kids gravitate towards me like Galum off of  Lord of the Rings and my hot cocoa is their precious.    
   B has no personal space. He is in your face all of the time.
   K has to be near me 24/7 (other than bed time) seriously she can be sitting happily at her table coloring and all of the sudden she notices I am in the bathroom taking care of business. She brings her coloring book in with and colors.
  Xman is DRAMA.  I guess that's what you get when two drama  nerds have kids ha-ha. He has melt downs if you sneeze the wrong way.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids and I love being a mom. But, there is something wonderful about snuggling up in a blanket and reading a book on a snowy day like today.

Life gets better

So you have all read my poor me post. I reread it yesterday and I noticed (by some dear friends pointing out to me ) that I skipped over what wonderful things I have accomplished. And that I am making myself overwhelmed by the negative list. I just need to take it 5 min at a time and accomplish something during that small time period and I need to make a daily goal for me. Not the housework not the kids or Matt. Just me something I want to accomplish. I also need to notice the blessings not the negative.
5 blessings from yesterday
- made new friends
- my dad came and surprise me and helped with the kids and the house
-I had an uninterrupted shower
-made cookies and watched a movie I hadn't seen before
-I actually truly smiled not fake smiled
Yes, some days its not going to be easy to find the positive blessings. But I am going to train my brain to do so even if they are small things.

When I am down.

I haven't posted anything since July. I honestly have had no desire to do anything. The last little while  long while I have been severely depressed. And I would just think to myself, no I am not the depressed one. I am the strong one who is the support of my husband who has severe depression. There is no way i am depressed. Guess what guys, I was wrong. Hi, my name is Serenity and I have depression. No, not as severe as my husband but I am definetly not my happy go lucky person I used to be.
 I have been looking back on my life and trying to figure out when I started going downhill. It was when we had our heck of a year back in 2012 when everything that was supposed to be going right was all falling apart. Little by little my light has been going dim. I honestly don't enjoy the things I used to such as, photography, singing, playing the piano I just want to sit and watch shows all day.. I am not my loud crazy funny self like I used to be. I am quiet and reserved and watch from the sidelines. I have made new friends since moving but I don't want to get close to anyone because in the back of my mind its telling me its not worth my time where we are probably going to move soon. I truly want to have a great relationship with the ladies I have met here.
If there were a way to squish Teton Valley and Brigham City right next to eachother I would be a happy camper. But that isn't possible. So, here I am trying to figure out when my light dimmed and how I could get it back.

What has changed in my life since then. I dont............

• STUDY my scriptures daily You know I dabble, and read a few verses and call it good. But I don't MAKE time and feast upon the words of Christ.
• Personal prayers I help my kids say theirs every evening but I just fall asleep. Shouldn't I want to be excited to talk about my day with one of my best friends?
• Couple Scripture study and Prayer. I am to tired. lets do it later.I loved the spirit in my home when we did those things
• Temple Attendance. Matt and I used to go weekly when we lived in I.F. and we have a temple closer here in Brigham city and I have been there 3 times since I moved 
• Serve others Eh someone else needs the blessings more than I do. Ha. Totally wrong.
• Hear the Holy Ghosts promptings as clearly as I used to.  what makes me so special? If he wanted me to know I would know. I miss the feeling of getting a prompting and acting on it and being an answer to someones prayers. 
• Love my husband as much as I did back then We have eternity why do I have to act like I did when we were first dating. Lately all we do is fight yell and act like everything is ok. It breaks my heart. He is my best friend the love of my life. I need to always want our love to be as it was when we were dating. I need to feel those butterflies when I get a text from him and try to look my best for him and continually flirt with him.
• Enjoy any of the hobbies that I used to.  I have no time the kids take all of my time. I need to make ME time even if it means I need to get up early before the kids get up.
• Clean the house. Yes, I know even when I wasn't depressed I wasn't Suzy home maker but atleast I tried to keep it clean.
• Play with my kids- The couch looks comfy. I miss sitting on the floor and wanting to be in their little world
• Smile or Laugh. To much energy. I used to make it my mission when I went out that I made atleast 1 person smile.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference

I am going to change the things I can and the ones I can't I am turning over to the Lord.

Here is to my journey back to my happy go lucky self.